


Downtown Letdown

by MrsWhozeewhatsis (OxfordCommaLover)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 2017 Louden Swain SPN Mini Bang, Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 06:13:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11307381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OxfordCommaLover/pseuds/MrsWhozeewhatsis
Summary: Dean dealing with his feelings while he’s with Lisa.





	Downtown Letdown

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second fic for the 2017 Louden Swain SPN Mini Bang, and is for one of my favorite songs. I first heard this song when they played it at ChiCon 2015, and I fell in love with it right away. I struggled to get this fic to line up with the central themes of the song, but I hope you all agree it’s at least close. Special thanks to the best betas in the world, @littlegreenplasticsoldier and @manawhaat without whom my fics would not be nearly as legible. These two women inspire me with every word they write and push me to be better.

Dean wakes up to a bright streak of sunlight peeking through Lisa’s bedroom curtains. Usually, he fixes the curtains before he goes to bed for exactly this reason, but last night he was a little too out of it to care. Yesterday was November 2nd. It’s been more than 25 years since his mother died, but the day still creeps up on him. It was almost noon before he realized what day it was. He doesn’t remember much of the day after that. To be fair, he’s had other things on his mind the past few months.

Sam.

Dean’s head pounds with the hangover he knows he deserves, his heartbeat loud in his ears, his gut still twisted with grief. Lisa tried to make him feel better last night and he just snapped at her. The pie was store-bought, not that it mattered. It had mattered, but there was no good reason for it.

The sunbeam has shifted, now, and is blinding the ever-loving hell out of him. He turns over to get away from it, hoping Lisa is still asleep. He’s not ready to face the disappointment and misery in her eyes. It would be merely a reflection of what he’s feeling, but it shows he should be doing a better job of hiding it from her. She doesn’t deserve it.

Right now, Lisa’s face looks peaceful and happy in the golden light. Much different to when the tears well up in her eyes as Dean rages when he’s drunk with grief. Or when he wakes her with one of his nightmares. Or when he doesn’t understand why she twists herself in knots to make sure Ben has a “good” breakfast in the morning instead of Lucky Charms or Pop Tarts. He and Sam grew up on them, so they can’t be all bad, right?

She doesn’t often let him see her cry, but he knows she does. It’s been almost six months since he started making those damn tears fill her eyes. Six months of him alternating between researching ways to get Sam back and drunkenly grieving the loss. There have been days when he’s been able to try to be some kind of father figure for Ben and partner for Lisa, but those days are few and far between. He needs to do better. Sam would want him to do better.

Without moving his head more than the pounding inside of it will allow, Dean climbs out of bed and starts his morning. He looks at himself in the mirror, taking in the dark circles around his eyes, the scraggly beard, and the pale skin, and decides that it’s time. It’s time to give up fighting what Sam had wanted for him. Sam had wanted him here, with a good woman and a boy who needed him. Sam had told him not to do everything he’d spent the last six months doing. Sam had wanted him to have this life. Maybe it was time to live it.

The decision made, he makes breakfast for Lisa and Ben, packs a lunch for Ben that doesn’t include beef jerky or Twinkies, and cleans himself up until he practically shines. He heads to the construction site where his neighbor, Sid, works and gets himself a job. Sid has been annoying as hell since Dean moved in, following Dean around like a puppy when he goes to the neighborhood shindigs, but Sid’s a good guy. He’s ignored Dean’s rudeness and been nothing but kind, offering all kinds of help, including a reference for this job. It’s an actual nine-to-five job doing whatever the boss tells him to do, earning whatever the company decides to pay him, and Sid shows him the ropes with a smile.

When he’s done with work, he heads back to Lisa’s house, reminding himself that it’s now his house, too, and does his best Ward Cleaver impression. He showers off the grime from the work site, helps Lisa set the table for dinner, asks Ben what he learned in school that day, and does the dishes so Lisa can watch some reality show on TV. When he crawls back into bed, his feet hurt from new boots, the throbbing ache matched by his heart when he wonders if Sam would be proud of him.

***

Dean’s been working with Sid at the construction site for over six months, now, and he’s finally gotten into the groove of this whole civilian life thing. He makes breakfast for his family every morning, goes to work, makes good money, comes home, helps Ben with his homework, and has mind-blowing sex with Lisa before going to sleep in time to wake up and do it all again the next day. Sometimes, his routine changes, like when Sid invites him out for a drink or there’s a neighborhood barbecue. He and Ben had a great time when he taught Ben how to change the oil in the truck, and one of Lisa’s famous date nights taught him he’s pretty stellar at mini golf. There’s not a lot in his life to really make his pulse race, but it’s nice. He’s learned how to blend in to his suburban surroundings and life isn’t bad, for the most part.

He still has days where he feels like he can’t get out of bed and he fights to keep up the act. Days like Sam’s birthday. Last Tuesday wasn’t a picnic, either, when one of the guys on site joked he thought his house was haunted. Dean had to fight to keep from asking about cold spots or scratching in the walls. Sometimes, it’s just a nightmare that reminds him that he’s just playing a part here. He dreams that Sam is back, but Lucifer is in control, slicing into Lisa and Ben in front of him while telling him how Sam is screaming for his big brother inside his own meat suit. Dean wakes with a cry in his throat, his heartbeat so loud he thinks it will wake the neighbors. His face is wet with tears and Lisa is trying not to cry with him as she attempts to reassure him that everything’s okay. It’s not okay. Sam’s still in Hell, locked in a cage with the devil, suffering relentlessly. Dean wonders if Lucifer uses the same tools Alastair did, or if actual tools would be too pedestrian for the devil.

For some reason, Sundays are the hardest. There’s more day in a Sunday than any other day of the week and it’s difficult to keep up the charade. Sometimes, he goes for runs like Sam used to, just to feel the blood pumping through his veins. Without the distraction of neighborhood parties, Ben’s baseball games, and Lisa’s get-togethers where one woman sells shit nobody needs to all the other women, Dean finds himself searching for cases before he realizes what he’s doing. He tries to tell himself he’s just making sure there’s nothing in the immediate area, ensuring his family is safe, but it’s an excuse. If he’s not ridiculously busy being happy with his life, then he’s jonesing for a hunt, daydreaming of taking out an entire werewolf pack, his brother strong and sure by his side.

Tonight, though, is a not-bad night. He’s having a relaxing drink with Sid, trying not to talk about himself, trying to not be too good at darts, trying to live up to the image Sid has of him in his head. It’s exhausting. A news report plays on the TV behind Sid’s head, talking about the grisly discovery of a dozen bodies in a warehouse two towns over. Dean hears just enough to know the bodies were drained before Sid turns around to see what’s got Dean’s attention and distracts him from it because who wants to talk about that when tomorrow is Friday and the end of the work week? Dean heaves a breath and shakes his head to clear it. He’s just a guy, now. Not a hunter. Shut it down. Back to Sid.

The waitress all but thrusts her chest into his face as she brings the next round of drinks. Sid chuckles and calls Dean a dog. Dean shakes his head and smiles, brushing off the ghost of a chain he suddenly feels around his neck. The waitress caresses his arm before they leave, her phone number written on the back of the check, and Sid shakes his head in admiration and laughs as they part ways. Dean’s still tugging at the neck of his shirt when he hears the scream coming from the building site across the street. He doesn’t notice how his breathing eases in spite of the spike of adrenaline in his system as he grabs his gun and flashlight out of the car.

***

It’s been a few weeks since Sam came back and the djinns killed Sid and his family. Dean moved his family to a new house, new town, new state, and tried to find a balance between never letting Lisa and Ben out of his sight and imagining their deaths every time his back is turned. He never found a new job, but when Sam called and demanded his help on a hunt, he had no time to keep looking.

The hunt is over, now, and so is the argument that led to Lisa telling Dean that he needs to go and be a hunter. She said he isn’t a construction worker, and though he tried the best he could to be normal, to have a life that didn’t revolve around bloodshed, she’s right. Dean’s a hunter and always will be.  Besides, his gut is telling him there’s something going on with his brother, something he just can’t put his finger on. Staying here and putting up drywall isn’t going to help him figure it out.

Dean’s standing in his new garage, holding the car cover he just took off his Baby. God, she’s beautiful. Just looking at her makes his heart beat faster in his chest. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, enjoying the feel of being able to breathe freely for the first time in a long time. He climbs into the driver’s seat with a smile and reverses out of the garage, taking off into the night.

The moon is large and full over the road ahead of him as he turns up the volume on the radio and begins singing along while he taps out the beat on the steering wheel. This is where he belongs. This is who he is. He will find a way to fulfill the promises he made to Lisa and Ben, but he’s done trying to be someone he can’t be. He’s the guy that’s gonna figure out what’s going on with his brother and kill some evil sons of bitches along the way.


End file.
